(OT) Praise/rant/etc #14 (LP Stephen King edition)

[Eye of Hoffs]

I'm in a (marginally) better mood today so you will be spared the epic diatribe of my last post. Sort of.

We left Mackinacw Island on Friday morning and once again braved the shark-infested waters of the Huron Main. We had heard from the dockmaster's cousin's ex-tailor that “Sugary Breakfast” Branwyn had been spotted at 45° 72'N, 84° 70'W but fortunately we once again had the redoubtable first mate Kylie on board to steer us clear of any dangers.

After collecting the car we started our drive south which almost immediately brought us to Mackinacw Bridge, the world's seventeenth longest main span and the longest suspension bridge between anchorages in the Western hemisphere. And no, I didn't know exactly what that meant at first either. Let's just call it the world's fifth longest suspension bridge. After emerging from the “Mighty Mac” we made our way down the west coast of Michigan's Lower Penninsula via the scenic routes. The only thing to note on the first leg was when we stopped for lunch to go at McDonald's, only to find that the “plain” hamburger I ordered was smothered in cheese, which is nothing new and just underlines what I said about the difficulties of getting such things at restaurants. But sorry, I said I wasn't going to bring all that up today.

In the afternoon we followed a recommendation from Salp and Elroi and took the east road along Torch Lake, which is apparently considered one of the most beautiful in the world. From the glimpses we saw of it I can certainly see why but unfortunately the lake was mostly obscured by trees and there didn't appear to be any public areas where you could stop to get a closer look. We later arrived in a place called Traverse City, which seemed packed with traffic, before heading anti-clockwise around the picturesque Leelanau Peninsula. I was particularly taken with the village of Northport. It seemed like a very nice place to live indeed.

At the western end of the peninsula we arrived at our destination for the next two nights, the town of Empire. Well actually I think it is a village. But it's in a township. Heck, I dunno how the damn thing works over here, it's all very strange. Traverse City is a city, but Mackinaw City is a village. I even read that there is a village in New York with a population of 55k, bigger than several of the state's cities. *shrugs*

The room at our motel was reassuringly big compared to the mouse hole we had just come from. On the downside, it was right next to the car park and vending machines so anyone and his brother could look through your window. And the noise level was not good. The a/c was...well, an a/c, and there didn't seem to be any way of adjusting the settings of the fridge so I had to unplug that at night to shut it the **** up. But worse of all was that the walls were made of gossamer and you could hear every rumble, bang, whisper and flow of water from the adjacent rooms, especially their damn a/c units.

After settling in we then had the dreaded task of finding food. This was a particular problem not because of my fastidious nature this time, simply that there wasn't anywhere to speak of. The best places did not stay open for dinner at this time of year and all that was left were a couple of saloons. The situation didn't appear much better nearby so we just made do with Joe's Tavern which was a choice between burgers or rabbit food, aka salads. After having a burger at McDonald's I didn't want another but there was no real alternative. On the plus side they had a choice of three [hard] ciders, the most I have ever seen in the US.

Now it pains me indeed to have to criticise a British institution. As I am sure everyone can agree, Britain is the most refined & civilized nation in the world and we are generally the equivalent of the HAL 9000 computer: foolproof and incapable of error. But so far we have stopped at two BP petrol stations (petrol being the liquid that you call gas) and have had problems paying at the pump because they require you to enter a ZIP code. This means we have to go inside and get the attendant to authorize the transaction manually. All other stations we have used have just been swipe and go. But that is nothing compared with what I can only describe as The Horror of the EZ Mart...

Joe's Tavern had nothing much in the way of desserts so we decided to pick up an ice cream from the store next door in lieu. But they only sold multi-packs and 5000 gallon tubs, so we went without. But as we walked back to the motel Caroline pointed out the BP garage on the opposite side of the road and suggested that they would probably sell individual ices. We went over and sure enough they did. But when we came to pay for them we were confronted by....IT. The best way I can describe the...thing...behind the counter is a South Park version of Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid â€" a wide, round face; bedraggled grey hair; fetid breath; piercing, beady eyes that looked at you at an odd angle; and huge limbs capable of tearing off your manhood without the slightest of effort or care. As we approached the check-out she glowered at us as though we had no right to be disturbing her with something as trivial as a sale. She menacingly snatched the ice creams from the surface and swiped them through the reader.

“Three fifty-eight,” she roared as I stood cowering near the travel map rack. I nervously held out a ten dollar bill which she immediately snatched out my hand, almost taking my index finger with it. She angrily smashed the note into the register then banged around for the required change, finally thumping it down on the counter in front of me.

“Owe ya two pennies,” she grunted.

“Y-yes, t-thankyou,” I replied whilst backing out and finally making a break for the exit.

In the relative safety of the street I regained my senses and stopped to think about what had happened. I am not sure how many times we have visited the US now but it is in double figures. And never in all my time have I encountered such a miserable old cow. And never during my thirty years in the retail trade did I ever “owe someone some pennies”. Yes they are worthless but if you run out of change you always make it up to the closest amount you can above what you owe them. It was probably just as well that my blood sugar was not out of whack at the time or I may have had one of my explosions and told her all that to her face, at which point she would have probably either blasted me with the 45 she kept behind the counter or had me arrested by the Feds for abusing a wild animal. And to think that could be someone's mother or grandmother. But no, surely not, because that would mean some poor schmuck would have had to have......ugh, it doesn't bear thinking about. We headed back to the room and quickly locked the door and closed the blind lest the horror came in pursuit. I couldn't quite get that hideous visage out of my head. It was haunting.

We had booked our flights and largely decided our itinerary several weeks before the NFL schedule had come out, but had the Dolphins been playing their game at Cincinnati on week four then we could have arranged to have gone and seen them. Indeed, Reuggan had offered to take us down there, So when the schedule was released I started by looking at the week seventeen games and then worked backwards from there. At week five the Cincy game had still not come up. So the odds were down to one in four! I looked at week one, then week two, no! It was an even chance now. I looked at week three....no!! Unbelievable, they were playing them in week four. Against all odds I could go and see the Fins this trip! Then I looked at week four just to confirm â€" the Dolphins at Cincinnati was the Thursday Night game that week. *blank stare*

Oh well, at least I would be able to watch the Dolphins from the comfort of a motel bed, and perhaps it would take my mind off the abominable sights I had just witnessed. But after flicking through the channels it dawned on me that the game was on NFL Network, a premium channel which the motel unsurprisingly didn't have. To view that game you had to pay a subscription of course. But then, I did have a subscription. I pay the NFL the equivalent of about $140 a year to watch their games online. But I only really ever watch the Dolphins, so that's for effectively just sixteen games (you don't get the playoffs in the package). But in addition to that all Sunday games shown by the UK NFL rights holders, Sky Sports, are blacked out. So you are paying $140 for ten to fourteen games depending on how well your team is doing (the better your team is the fewer games you are going to be able to see because Sky will show the team more often). Of course, you can stump up another ten bucks to Sky to watch a match. But this was Thursday not a Sunday, so at least I can watch the game here at the motel on my laptop, right? Wrong! You are not allowed to access the service from the USA. So I am paying the **** NFL a heap of money for the right to watch their games, but I can't watch a third of their **** games. No wonder they make so much money. I had to make do with watching the written play-by-play on the ESPN gamecast but, you know, that's not quite the same, is it? As it happens the Dolphins were so utterly dreadful that it's a good thing I wasn't seeing it.

Before turning in for the night I took a last peak out the blinds at the EZ Mart across the street. As I did so I could almost hear sinister organ music in my ears. The scene was like one of those horror movies where Castle Dracula or the haunted house is seen in the distance with an ominous, ghostly aura surrounding it. I quickly went to bed and slept in fits and starts.

Friday was the day to do what we came to the area for â€" Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore, home to the largest sand dunes associated with a fresh water lake and once voted the most beautiful place in America. After breakfast at Joe's we walked to the park's visitor centre which was conveniently located a couple of blocks from the motel. Unfortunately this meant walking by Bates Gas Station. Bach's Toccata in D minor started playing as behind the glass I spotted the matted grey hair of the Bride of Frankenstein. We hurried by, pitying the poor unsuspecting motorists going inside and hoping that she wouldn't turn to look out the window.

We spent the morning doing the scenic drive that took in several areas of interest and good views of Lake Michigan, including a one-and-half-mile trail through the sands. Actually, we found the dunes somewhat underwhelming to be honest. With all the hype we kind of expected to see a mini version of the Sahara, but with the grasses growing on the sand it just looked a bit like a blown up version of our favourite beach in Wales.

In the afternoon we did possibly the main attraction in the park, a 3.5 mile round-trip to the shores of Lake Michigan that took you up and over several dunes. Now when hiking I generally prefer the ascending part to the descent but across the dunes here the going down was a joy whilst the going up required some serious extra effort, especially on the steeper sections. There were lots of people at the start of the trail but very few actually continued to the end and so we were able to enjoy sitting on the sands by a beautifully azure Lake Michigan with only the odd other couple around. It really was very serene and could almost have been Hawaii if you had added a palm or two and turned up the heat a few notches. Actually the weather had been very kind; it was breezy and fairly cool. I would have hated to have done that walk in the middle of summer.

After a strenuous but very satisfying hike we returned to Empire and dinner. This time we chose the other tavern which was basically the same as Joe's but also had pizza so at least Caroline had something she fancied. She had the small pizza which was about the size of our largest back home. I had to make do with yet another burger. There was no dessert again but we certainly weren't going back there [cue music] to get another ice cream.

Back in the relative safety of the motel and writing this post, some magnetic force seems to be pulling me back across the road. And that ghastly visage just won't go away. I peeked out of the blinds once more and there seemed to be a black cloud hovering above the pumps. And was that a face at the window? Looking at me?! Those eyes!! Dooon't look at the eeeeyes!! No, please, no! I'm too old for that! I don't have it inside me any more! You need to find someone younger! Oh God no!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..................

Pictures of the day

1) Yes, this is Michigan.

2) Hoffs of Arabia

[CharGar]

I think had you been here a week earlier in Ohio, and went to the Cleve-Miami game, your luck would have in fact been in our favor and Cleveland would have won.   Just keep thinking you saved the best for last. 

[Wolfman]

Sounds like on the next trip the keeper needs a "Nemesis Guard" for protection....
Gold being stolen by a vile beast from our keeper.....
But then, who in their right mind travels to the most dangerous places in this world unarmed?

[Ian James]

Joe commented his approval of how you guys never seem to do the typical tourist to the US stuff. And seriously, you are starting to compete with David Sedaris on the level of satire in your writing. I think you've found your real calling


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[Sara Dale]

Just how do you plan your trips over here?

[Becca]

I agree with Ian.  Love reading your stories.

[Natalia]

I love your stories.  However, it will be terrific to have you back.  At least you helped us over the "Hoffs Withdrawal" process during this trip.